prince of trail mix

allthevalidation:

As hard as it can be, sometimes you have to step away from your partner.

The key word to describe your partner is not that they are gender-variant or transgender or DFAB or genderqueer or transmasculine - it is that they are a person. When it comes down to it, they are really just people - and that means they can be negative influences on your life.
They can be destructive.
They can be damaging.
They can be hurtful.  
They can be abusive, mentally or physically.

It can be difficult being in a relationship with a trans*person sometimes because it can feel like you are the only person who really sees them as they are, and that you have a responsibility to continue seeing them as they really are.

But first and foremost, you have a responsibility to yourself.
You have a responsibility to care for yourself, and to keep yourself happy and healthy.

If you are being a caring, respectful and loving individual in your relationship and they are not being caring, respectful, and loving, then they are doing something wrong.
And even if it will hurt you for a little while to break up with them, if they are abusing you in any way, at least take a break.
Go away for a weekend. Spend some time away from them.

And if they are abusing you, leave them behind.
Leaving an abuser does NOT make you a bad ally.
Leaving an abuser does NOT make you a bad human being.

If you leave behind an abuser, you are being incredibly brave and strong.
You are not abandoning them - you are saving yourself.

xo Roxie

Thoughts? Questions?

another perfect post from Roxie at All The Validation. 

allthevalidation:

1.      What does losing my/their virginity mean now?

2.      What is okay with them physically?

3.      Do I have to “come out”?

4.      Am I [insert sexual orientation]?

5.      What is the definition of sex now?

6.      What is their body like?

7.      What does dysphoria mean?

8.      What do I tell people?

9.      How do I tell people?

10.     What’s the difference between telling the people I need to tell what’s          going on with me and outing him?

11.  What is the (mental and/or physical) process for them?

12.  Am I going to be in danger?

13. Am I no longer [insert sexual orientation]?

It’s okay to wonder about these and any other questions you may have. It’s realistic to worry a little, because you can feel as if you are in largely grey and unexplored territory - this isn’t exactly a super common thing.

The fact is, it’s more common than most people think, but it’s not something that is very well “out there”. Trust me, you have peers out there who have thought the exact same things you are thinking now.

Thoughts? Questions?

allthevalidation:

Boyfriend’s boundaries change.

Which is okay.

My boundaries change.

The fact is, sometime he’s okay with certain things, and sometimes he’s more dysphoric and certain things can make that worse. Sometimes something that was fine for weeks, that was fine yesterday, can be not okay.

Consent is not a constant. If someone gives you consent to do something once, it doesn’t mean that it’s alright from then on.

I’m not trying to make you feel guilty or ashamed. I’m trying to stress that it’s normal for their boundaries to change, for them to decide that they don’t want you to touch them in a certain way or certain place.

What’s worked out easiest for Boyfriend and I is to discuss issues as they crop up - like, mid-makeout session fairly early on, I broke off to ask him about touching his chest (through his shirt and binder). He told me it was alright if I stayed outside his clothes and stayed above his collarbone.

Over time, we adjusted these boundaries. But it made things so much easier when we talked about what was okay and what was not before we ran into things neither of us was ready for.

Another thing we did later on was that when I would accidentally push a boundary, he’d just let me know, I’d make a mental note, and we’d move on. Business as usual.

It can make it easier to not treat it like it’s a huge deal. After the umpteenth your or their boundaries change, it’s really not. Ask what’s okay, what’s not - and then move on. If you need to process and discuss, that’s perfectly valid - but if you are going to be involved with a trans*man, it may actually become fairly routine.

Basically, I fucking love consent.

It is one of the best things ever.

Because, frankly, it makes things a hell of a lot easier.

Trust me, it’s way better to ask right before sex if anything has changed since last time than not asking and stumbling into some sad, dysphoric sex.

Bottom line?

• Ask them what’s okay and what’s not okay.
  
• Ask what the boundaries are.
• Consent is the bomb.

Thoughts? Questions?

Oh lord, this is the best fucking thing.

allthevalidation:

labels

At first, identifying as “straight, shaken not stirred”, I felt a little odd claiming a place in the queer community. If Boyfriend and I broke up, I felt that I would lose this community – and after a while had passed, I felt that I had taken enough shit and thought and learned enough to have “earned” my place. I also felt - in my bones, in my heart, in my soul - that I was queer.
I was different – I was queer.

Or was I?

Taking on the label of anything other than straight, to me, felt uncomfortable because I had always seen sexuality as fairly label-centric. None of the labels other than plain old “heterosexual” and “straight” seemed to connect with me.

So, after a little while of struggling to find a label that “fit”, out of the ones that already existed, I realized that sometimes you just have to say “fuck it”.

Sometimes you have to make your own labels.

Sometimes you make the box, or the circle, or the whatever, before you check it off.

Sometimes you check “Other”, and then you fill in the line next to it explaining what you mean.

 I have gradually grown to actually feel most comfortable when identifying as queer, but if I had pushed myself into that, I don’t think I’d have ever really been comfortable with it.

Take your time.

No matter how strange you think your label is, if it fits you?

Wear that son of a bitch with pride.

And if it changes?

Well, that’s alright too.

As long as you are comfortable with yourself, your work is done.

If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to message me or ask.